We have been taught that good eye contact signals confidence, builds trust, and shows you are listening. And there is something in that. But the story is more complicated than the advice suggests.

Oxytocin, the so-called cuddle hormone, is often cited as the reason eye contact builds connection. It does play a role. But its effects are more context-dependent than the self-help industry would have us believe. It works when there is already familiarity and safety. With strangers, or in high-stakes situations, sustained eye contact can increase anxiety rather than reduce it. The love hormone is more selective than advertised.

And yet we keep coaching people to hold eye contact as though it were a universal signal of presence.

Quality over quantity. It is one of my mantras, and nowhere is it more true than here. A moment of genuine eye contact at the right point in a conversation does more than sustained eye contact throughout. One feels like connection. The other can feel like pressure.

This matters particularly now. Many younger people have grown up with higher levels of social anxiety, and for them eye contact can feel genuinely difficult. Forcing it as a standard is counterproductive. It does not build presence. It builds performance.

Presence is not what your eyes are doing. It is whether your attention is actually there.

What signals presence to you in a conversation, if not eye contact?

For anyone curious about the research behind this:

On oxytocin and eye contact with familiar versus unfamiliar people: Frontiers in Endocrinology, 2021. https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/endocrinology/articles/10.3389/fendo.2021.629760/full

On the context-dependent effects of oxytocin and eye contact, including with strangers: Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neuro-behavioral-betterment/202012/eye-contact-masks-biological-effects

On rising social anxiety in younger generations: Frontiers in Psychiatry analysis cited in All About Psychology. https://allaboutpsychology.substack.com/p/the-gen-z-stare